Being Content With The Unknown

In the beginning, after my brain cancer diagnosis, I decided I needed to learn as much as possible about the disease.  I signed up for all sorts of brain cancer information, blogs, forums, etc.  I thought it would help me deal with it, hearing others' stories and experiences.  I quickly realized, however, the opposite held true.  Their stories, the data, and the information terrified me.  All the information overwhelmed me, especially when two pieces of information contradicted. In these first few days, I had allowed brain cancer and all the information to consume my life.  Rather than me determining the power I would allow the cancer, I had instead allowed it to give me fear.  

Then, I gave it up.  I no longer claimed the brain cancer in my life.  Almost like a switch I flipped, I began saying and believing that I was now fine with whatever happened.  I released all the control that I once held so dear.  For the first time since my diagnosis, I was perfectly content with living for years or dying tomorrow.  I had FINALLY given my whole situation over to God- Body, Soul, AND Mind!  

And that's where my break through occurred!  I no longer proclaimed my status as a cancer patient.  Yes, I was going through the process, the chemo, and the motions of a cancer patient.  But mentally, spiritually, and emotionally, I was totally at peace not knowing what the future held.  

That's the place I remain in today! Although I now claim myself as "cancer free," I am completely content knowing that cancer could creep it's way back in at any time.  I don't claim or desire that, but I'm choosing to not worry about the future.  Rather, I live each day to the fullest!  

Is there something in you life that causes you to worry and fret about the unknown?  Maybe it's not cancer and the same situation as mine, but I pray that you find the strength to release it to God.  Use my life and story as hope that you too can overcome anxiety and worry.  Be thankful for the days you do have, rather than fearing the days ahead by trying to figure it all out.  

Ladies, give up control!  Just live life!  :-) 

Blessings, 

Alicia

God's Path, Not Mine

I'm a natural long-term thinker.  I enjoy planning and figuring out the next steps with every aspect of my life.

Something became clear today with my daily Bible reading, though.  I've read these verses about Jesus' birth many many times: Angels came and told Mary she would be with child, Angels told Joseph to take her as his wife, the Magi came and blessed him with gifts, they fled Herod's wrath, and they ended up in Nazareth.  Yada yada yada... sometimes when we read these ever-so-familiar verses, we're tempted to just skim them, rather than really soaking up the meaning God has for you.  Today, something in these verses really stood out and shook me, though.

Matthew 2 starts with the Magi visiting baby Jesus and his parents, and how they disobeyed Herod and didn't return to tell him of Jesus' location.  In verse 12, an angel appeared to Joseph just simply saying "Get up.  Take the child and escape to Egypt, for Herod is trying to kill him."  That's the only part of the story that God revealed to Joseph.  That's it.

Then Herod issued the decree to kill all the male babies under two.  Joseph was revealed another part of the whole plan when the angel came and said "Get up.  Take the child and his mother and go to the land of Israel, for those who were trying to take the child's life are dead."  Again, the whole story wasn't reveled to Joseph, but he simply obeyed and left with his family.

Then, on his way, he heard that Herod's son was now the King and an angel appeared again in a dream directing Joseph and his family to Nazareth.  Joseph again obeyed and listened to God's call.

Wow.  Prophesy after prophesy was fulfilled in this story.  Obedience and God's display of complete control and provision was displayed. I really feel like God opened my eyes as I read this story today!  So often, I have this need and desire to be in complete control of my future, mapping out each chapter and step that I should take.  Rather than having the faith of Joseph and relying on God to direct each step, I tend to plan so rigidly that I often miss God's perfect path for my life.  How about you ladies?!??  Are you with me??

I truly believe, though, that with much training and study of God's Word, and connecting to Him through daily prayer, we can overcome this need to rely on our own plan. Ladies, one of my goals this year is to just simply be.  I desire to fully open my heart and mind to His calling, rather than my own plans.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." -Proverbs 3:5-6

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you." -Psalm 32:8

With love,
Alicia

God Gives Me More Than I Can Handle...

We've all heard the line, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." This phrase has been spoken to me many times since my diagnosis and it makes me cringe each time I hear it.  I know it's always spoken out of love and from a good heart, from people who want to say something to comfort but don't quite have the words.  

But I prefer to think about tough times from a different perspective.  Maybe it's true that God Himself doesn't necessarily send more than we can handle.  Only good things come from God.  I do believe, however, that God allows Satan to give us more than we can handle.  God allowed Jesus more than he could handle; all of our sins laid upon this perfect, sinless man. But Jesus knew he could get the strength to continue from God alone.  So why would we think that we are so special as to not have more than we can handle placed upon us?! 

God allows us to have more than we can handle so that we can learn turn to Him for strength and comfort and give Him the reins of our lives.  Only in our hardest, darkest moments do we really turn to God in such a way that we bow down at His throne and give all our hopes, dreams, and lives fully to Him.  So, I'm here to say, I'm so thankful that God has given me more than I can handle.  Through the messy, hard moments, I have learned that life is so much more manageable when He's fully in control. 

When I heard the diagnosis of brain cancer, my whole life as I knew it came crashing down.  All of my dreams were stopped dead in their tracks.  It changed the way I looked at every situation, every activity I was involved in, and the people around me.  This may sound crazy, but I truly am so thankful for this cancer.  I'm at peace knowing that I've learned to give control of my life to God.  I no longer take life for granted; I enjoy the people around me in new ways, I appreciate the little moments of joy more, I don't participate in things just because people want or expect me to but rather because I enjoy them, and I have learned to live each day with a passion and fire that I never had before.  I see each day as an opportunity to make a difference, rather than as a day to get through. 

Life is short and can be taken at any moment.  Our community learned this lesson this week, as a wonderful woman's life was cut short due to cancer.  Sharri understood the importance of loving her family and friends while she still had an opportunity to.  She remained joyful despite the Doctor's prognosis.  She cherished each moment that God gave her.  I was impacted by Sharri's life, as I know were many others.  We can only hope our lives are as fruitful! 

I challenge you to live this week in such a way that you appreciate and cherish each moment God gives you!!

One Year Mark

This Thursday marks one year since my surgery to remove the brain tumor (Trixie, we called her) and my later diagnosis of brain cancer! I can't believe we've hit the one year mark already!  This past year has been an absolute whirlwind, but so many blessings have come out of it. 

First of all, because of my realization that this life can so quickly be gone, I have refocused my priorities. Before my diagnosis, I was so focused on making money and on work that I often put my relationships with Christ, Travis, family, and friends on the back-burner.  I worked so hard that I came home exhausted with no energy for the people who really mattered.  Now, I recognize that work is still an important part of life, but it must be focused on leading people to Christ and I must have enough left after my workday for Travis and Lucas! 

I have learned to rely on Christ alone and my relationship to Him has been radically deepened.  I have recognized that I cannot do this life by my own strength.  Life is too much to handle to do it alone.  He is now in complete control of my life.  I pray daily for direction and for His guidance in my decisions.  I pray for the Holy Spirit to work in my life each day, leading me where He has planned.

Not only has my relationship with Christ grown stronger, but my relationships with friends and family have intensified.  I have truly realized the importance of sticking together, serving one another, and putting others before my own needs.  Before, I was so focused on our finances and goals that I often forgot how important it is to spend time with and uplift those around me.  Now, I have been more purposeful in my friendships, setting aside time for those who matter; whether it be a lunch date, evening visit, quick phone call, facebook message, or letter, this year I have focused more on my friends and family than ever before.  As a result, I see my friendships deepening and myself connecting on deeper level with family members.  I pray this only continues as the years go by. 

This year has also led me to long for Christ and my Heavenly Home!  I have realized that this place is not my home.  I will continue on Earth for only a short time, and I long for the days when all I do is sing praises to my Creator!  In my final days on Earth, however long that may be, I will praise God through my actions, words, and thoughts.  I know that my time is short, but I will use each hour I'm given in a purposeful way, in order to show people Christ through my life!  I pray today, dear reader, that you have committed your life to Christ as well. 

Thank you all for your continued prayers, love, and encouragement as I live each day to the fullest.  Remember, friends, the best is yet to come! 

God bless you,
Alicia

That's What Faith Can Do

This song is so perfect for today, as a friend also battling cancer was given terrible news about her prognosis and my Father-in-law is in the ICU with a medical condition.  As I sat at my desk at work and this song came across Pandora, all I could do was cry and thank God for His faithfulness and gentle reminder that my big faith  in Him can indeed move mountains, heal the sick, and cause miracles to happen.  Please pray with me today for Sharri and Ed!

Please enjoy the following lyrics from Kutless' song "That's What Faith Can Do"

Everybody falls sometime

Gotta find the strength to rise 
From the ashes 
And make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache 
You think it's more than you can take 
But you're stronger 
Stronger than you know

Don't you give up now 
The sun will soon be shining 
You gotta face the clouds 
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains 
Hope that doesn't ever end 
Even when the sky is falling 
I've seen miracles just happen 
Silent prayers get answered 
Broken hearts become brand new 
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard 
Impossible is not a word 
It's just a reason 
For someone not to try

Everybody's scared to death 
When they decide to take that step 
Out on the water It'll be alright

Life is so much more 
Than what your eyes are seeing 
You will find your way 
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains 
Hope that doesn't ever end 
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen 
Silent prayers get answered 
Broken hearts become brand new 
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds 
You don't have a chance 
(That's what faith can do) 
When the world says you can't 
It'll tell you that you can

I've seen dreams that move the mountains 
Hope that doesn't ever end 
Even when the sky is falling 
And I've seen miracles just happen 
Silent prayers get answered 
Broken hearts become brand new 
That's what faith can do 
That's what faith can do

Even if you fall sometimes 
You will have the strength to rise

Tonight, I Ask For Prayer

Tonight, I'm blogging to simply as you for prayer.  You see, I had a rough visit to the doctor today and am kind of down tonight as a result. I am being heavily attacked by Satan and could really use your prayers for God's peace on my life.

 

My oncology doctor has been offered a position at Penn State as the Director of their cancer clinic.  This is a wonderful opportunity for him and I am thankful for the time I was able to spend as his patient.  In the period until they find a replacement, Dr. Carlisle, my former oncologist, who retired this year, is coming out of retirement to help care for Dr. Hohl's patients.  I very much respect and trust my current doctor so it was hard news for me to take that yet again I will be switching.

 

Because of how much I respect him, I asked Dt. Hohl his opinion of what he would recommend if all continues to look good on my brain scans (my next scan is in March).  He said that with my aggressive form of brain cancer, he would like to see me continue chemo for an extended time (potentially through next April), since my body is handling it well and if finances would allow.  But he is concerned if I stop chemo too soon another tumor will resurface quickly. So, it seems as if I might be continuing chemo for awhile longer. Of course, this is not the course that I must definitely take and depends of many factors including my scan in March and Dr. Carlisle's opinion. 

 

I am struggling tonight most of all due to the the stress of the financial burden that continuing chemo for another year would place on us.  We are currently paying $300 out-of-pocket each month for my five nights of Chemo on top of a substantial insurance premium.  We are simply not mathematically able to put $300 in our monthly budget for the next year.  However, I MUST trust that God will provide every need, including this. 

 

Although I'm just slightly overwhelmed this evening at all of this new information, I knew directly what to turn to: Godly Friends and God's Word.  Right away after returning home from my appointment, I tore open my Bible and dug deep into the Word, as well as emailed some important Christian mentors asking them to pray for me.  I know that I must fully turn this situation over to the Author of this story!  Please pray for me to do just that. 

 

In closing, I end with some verses that helped me through tonight:

 

"Submit to God and you will have peace; then things will go well for you." ~Job 22:21

 

"The Lord gives his people strength.  The Lord blesses them with peace." ~Psalm 29:11

 

"But all who listen to me will live in peace, untroubled by fear of harm." ~Proverbs 1:33

 

"Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything.  Tell God what you need and thank him for all he's done.  Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hears and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)

 

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." ~1 Peter 4:12

Surgery 6 Month Mark!

Exactly six months ago, I was sitting in a hotel lobby fretting and praying about my surgery the next day.  You can read all about that experience here.  Yes that's right, tomorrow, August 27th marks 6 months since my brain surgery!  I can't believe how quickly time has passed!  With God as my strength, I was able to come through the hardest adversity of my life thus far, with a smile on my face and a heart full of gladness, peace, and joy!

My prayer through this whole difficulty has been that Christ would be glorified and His light would shine through me.  I continue to strive everyday to be the best example of Christ's love and grace I can be.  I don't follow a set of rules.  I'm not perfect.  I don't worry about crossing out tasks on a Christian to-do list.  I have a passionate love relationship with Jesus Christ and I am alive to serve His people, as He did when he was on this earth!

Friends, that's all being a Christian is all about: Love God, Love Others.  If you don't know Jesus Christ on a deep, personal level and need someone to talk to, I'm here for you.  Know that I care about you; I care about you for all of eternity!  Give up all of your struggles.  This life is hard; it knocks you down and you're just not strong enough to make it through alone.  But we don't have to; we have a Father who wants to take away our pain.  We just have to give up control to Him!

Strong Enough

"Strong Enough"  lyrics by Matthew West

You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough

Take My Life And Let It Be

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in endless praise.

Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee.
Take my voice and let me sing,
Always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold,
Not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use
Every pow’r as Thou shalt choose.
Take my will and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne.Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee.