Being Content With The Unknown

In the beginning, after my brain cancer diagnosis, I decided I needed to learn as much as possible about the disease.  I signed up for all sorts of brain cancer information, blogs, forums, etc.  I thought it would help me deal with it, hearing others' stories and experiences.  I quickly realized, however, the opposite held true.  Their stories, the data, and the information terrified me.  All the information overwhelmed me, especially when two pieces of information contradicted. In these first few days, I had allowed brain cancer and all the information to consume my life.  Rather than me determining the power I would allow the cancer, I had instead allowed it to give me fear.  

Then, I gave it up.  I no longer claimed the brain cancer in my life.  Almost like a switch I flipped, I began saying and believing that I was now fine with whatever happened.  I released all the control that I once held so dear.  For the first time since my diagnosis, I was perfectly content with living for years or dying tomorrow.  I had FINALLY given my whole situation over to God- Body, Soul, AND Mind!  

And that's where my break through occurred!  I no longer proclaimed my status as a cancer patient.  Yes, I was going through the process, the chemo, and the motions of a cancer patient.  But mentally, spiritually, and emotionally, I was totally at peace not knowing what the future held.  

That's the place I remain in today! Although I now claim myself as "cancer free," I am completely content knowing that cancer could creep it's way back in at any time.  I don't claim or desire that, but I'm choosing to not worry about the future.  Rather, I live each day to the fullest!  

Is there something in you life that causes you to worry and fret about the unknown?  Maybe it's not cancer and the same situation as mine, but I pray that you find the strength to release it to God.  Use my life and story as hope that you too can overcome anxiety and worry.  Be thankful for the days you do have, rather than fearing the days ahead by trying to figure it all out.  

Ladies, give up control!  Just live life!  :-) 

Blessings, 

Alicia

No More Chemo!

For those of you following my adventures with brain cancer, I come to you this week with exciting news!  On Monday, June 2nd I went to Iowa City for my monthly trip, expecting to be placed back on another round of chemo.  I had my MRI and it showed no growth or change!  Good stuff!

The doctor chuckled as Mom and I snapped pictures of the brain scan on the computer screen:

In meeting with Dr. Carlisle, my Oncologist, he stated that May's chemo session was my 12th monthly dose of chemo (on top of the daily chemo for 7 weeks)!  He said that research doesn't clearly indicate or support that continuing chemo for more than 12 months assists any in keeping the cancer away.  Therefore, his suggestion was to discontinue taking it and follow up every 3 months for an MRI!  I was overjoyed at this news, due to each session of chemo affecting my body in more intense ways each month; nausea, weakness, fatigue, and constipation.

So, please join with me as I celebrate kicking cancer's booty!  To me, this marks the end of my battle with cancer and now we need to continue praying for it to stay away!  As I have said all along, God is bigger than cancer and I know that your prayers on my behalf are why I'm doing so well!!  Thank you for surrounding me with God's hedge of protection this past year!!

One Year Mark

This Thursday marks one year since my surgery to remove the brain tumor (Trixie, we called her) and my later diagnosis of brain cancer! I can't believe we've hit the one year mark already!  This past year has been an absolute whirlwind, but so many blessings have come out of it. 

First of all, because of my realization that this life can so quickly be gone, I have refocused my priorities. Before my diagnosis, I was so focused on making money and on work that I often put my relationships with Christ, Travis, family, and friends on the back-burner.  I worked so hard that I came home exhausted with no energy for the people who really mattered.  Now, I recognize that work is still an important part of life, but it must be focused on leading people to Christ and I must have enough left after my workday for Travis and Lucas! 

I have learned to rely on Christ alone and my relationship to Him has been radically deepened.  I have recognized that I cannot do this life by my own strength.  Life is too much to handle to do it alone.  He is now in complete control of my life.  I pray daily for direction and for His guidance in my decisions.  I pray for the Holy Spirit to work in my life each day, leading me where He has planned.

Not only has my relationship with Christ grown stronger, but my relationships with friends and family have intensified.  I have truly realized the importance of sticking together, serving one another, and putting others before my own needs.  Before, I was so focused on our finances and goals that I often forgot how important it is to spend time with and uplift those around me.  Now, I have been more purposeful in my friendships, setting aside time for those who matter; whether it be a lunch date, evening visit, quick phone call, facebook message, or letter, this year I have focused more on my friends and family than ever before.  As a result, I see my friendships deepening and myself connecting on deeper level with family members.  I pray this only continues as the years go by. 

This year has also led me to long for Christ and my Heavenly Home!  I have realized that this place is not my home.  I will continue on Earth for only a short time, and I long for the days when all I do is sing praises to my Creator!  In my final days on Earth, however long that may be, I will praise God through my actions, words, and thoughts.  I know that my time is short, but I will use each hour I'm given in a purposeful way, in order to show people Christ through my life!  I pray today, dear reader, that you have committed your life to Christ as well. 

Thank you all for your continued prayers, love, and encouragement as I live each day to the fullest.  Remember, friends, the best is yet to come! 

God bless you,
Alicia

Tonight, I Ask For Prayer

Tonight, I'm blogging to simply as you for prayer.  You see, I had a rough visit to the doctor today and am kind of down tonight as a result. I am being heavily attacked by Satan and could really use your prayers for God's peace on my life.

 

My oncology doctor has been offered a position at Penn State as the Director of their cancer clinic.  This is a wonderful opportunity for him and I am thankful for the time I was able to spend as his patient.  In the period until they find a replacement, Dr. Carlisle, my former oncologist, who retired this year, is coming out of retirement to help care for Dr. Hohl's patients.  I very much respect and trust my current doctor so it was hard news for me to take that yet again I will be switching.

 

Because of how much I respect him, I asked Dt. Hohl his opinion of what he would recommend if all continues to look good on my brain scans (my next scan is in March).  He said that with my aggressive form of brain cancer, he would like to see me continue chemo for an extended time (potentially through next April), since my body is handling it well and if finances would allow.  But he is concerned if I stop chemo too soon another tumor will resurface quickly. So, it seems as if I might be continuing chemo for awhile longer. Of course, this is not the course that I must definitely take and depends of many factors including my scan in March and Dr. Carlisle's opinion. 

 

I am struggling tonight most of all due to the the stress of the financial burden that continuing chemo for another year would place on us.  We are currently paying $300 out-of-pocket each month for my five nights of Chemo on top of a substantial insurance premium.  We are simply not mathematically able to put $300 in our monthly budget for the next year.  However, I MUST trust that God will provide every need, including this. 

 

Although I'm just slightly overwhelmed this evening at all of this new information, I knew directly what to turn to: Godly Friends and God's Word.  Right away after returning home from my appointment, I tore open my Bible and dug deep into the Word, as well as emailed some important Christian mentors asking them to pray for me.  I know that I must fully turn this situation over to the Author of this story!  Please pray for me to do just that. 

 

In closing, I end with some verses that helped me through tonight:

 

"Submit to God and you will have peace; then things will go well for you." ~Job 22:21

 

"The Lord gives his people strength.  The Lord blesses them with peace." ~Psalm 29:11

 

"But all who listen to me will live in peace, untroubled by fear of harm." ~Proverbs 1:33

 

"Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything.  Tell God what you need and thank him for all he's done.  Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hears and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)

 

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." ~1 Peter 4:12

November Blog Challenge and Life Update

My November blog challenge ended up not being too successful, as you can clearly see.  I often joke that I'm a "slacker" and this failed challenge indeed confirms this.  ;-)  I had the best of intentions when I decided to complete the November blog challenge.  I wanted to make November a month where I really took good note of my life.  This year has been such a whirlwind and unfortunately I didn't write down all of my emotions and happenings as much as I would have liked to.  But life gets busy.  Days turn into weeks and weeks into months.  I want to apologize for not accomplishing all the written tasks in the November challenge, but let me tell you- this month has been absolutely amazing!

Yesterday, I received the FANTASTIC news from my MRI that there is no re-growth of the cancer and the scan looked the same as the one three months ago.  Because of how well I'm responding to the chemo and to go along with research trends, my Oncologist Dr. Hohl decided we should do another four months of Temodar, my chemotherapy pills.  That means I will have done a total of ten months of five nights on,twenty three days off (on top of the two months of five nights on, two nights off) when I'm completely done.  Four more months means I will be done in February.  That will be a wonderful year mark of my cancer discovery!!

God is SO good, let me tell you!  I can't express enough how amazing this journey has been and continues to be.  As Travis, Mom, and I waited for the pharmacist to finish filling my Temodar prescription yesterday, we met a couple sets of really neat people that I will not forget anytime soon.  The gentleman and his wife whom I sparked a conversation with (imagine that... me talking to strangers...) were so friendly and filled with the Spirit that we quickly hit it off.  I ended up putting my hands on his shoulder and praying for him to feel God's presence and peace in his life.  This man was given a 12 week life expectancy due to pancreatic cancer, but he had an attitude like I've never seen- he was so positive and inspiring and he really made an impact on me.  While speaking about our love of Christ and our cancer situations, a young woman sitting on the other side of us interrupted and asked if she heard correctly that I have brain cancer.

This family turned out to be quite the opposite of my new optimistic friend.  She was around my age; 25 I would guess.  Her mother, who looked worn and weak, was sitting in the wheelchair next to her with the young lady's aunt.  Come to find out, this young lady's mom was diagnosed with the exact same tumor as mine 24 years ago.  She made it through with flying colors 24 years ago with no issues.  Since then, she had a pacemaker put in and could no longer have an MRI to follow up yearly with her brain cancer screenings.  A very large tumor re-showed itself this year- 24 YEARS LATER!  She had a really rough surgery and was in a coma for awhile afterwards.  She had to re-learn how to walk and talk and her personality has forever been different, reported her daughter, Megan.  I will never forget the sad look in this worried and worn daughter's eyes.  I prayed for her right there, but knew that if the family and her Mom wouldn't change their negative attitudes and pessimism, there might be little hope.  I gave Megan a huge hug and told her that God was with her and loved her, as she walked away with tears in her eyes.  I pray that I made an impact in her life, at least a much as that family made in mine.

You see, if I can be fortunate enough to make it another 24 years without the re-appearance of another brain tumor, I will be overjoyed and full of praise to our amazing God!  Don't get me wrong, if one chooses to appear before then, I will still continue to be thankful for the life I have been blessed with and the joy God provides.  God used this experience with this pessimistic family to remind me how important it is to maintain my faith and positive attitude through this trial.  Without my full faith in His Power, I am relying on nothing more than a medical miracle.  Without an attitude of thanksgiving, I will soon become weak and no longer able to see all the good that God has provided despite the trials.

I was so blessed to meet both of these families.  Each trip I make to Iowa City seems to get better.  Every time I make that drive, I am reminded how blessed I am.  Here we are, almost ten months since my diagnosis, alive and well.  Content and joyful with the wake up call that this cancer has proved to be in my life.

I have more exciting news to share; As I have told ya'll before, God has been tugging me to venture into the arena of Women's Ministry for awhile and I had given Him a huge "no" as my answer before.  Through this 'great awakening' of mine, I have decided to never tell God "no" again.  A dear friend of mine has set me up to speak at a local church to a group of women about 'Craving God Now'.  This will be my first 'Women's Ministry' speech and will be taking place at Harmony Bible Church in Danville, IA on December 11th at 7:00pm.   Feel free to join us for this exciting moment in my saying YES to God!  Please pray for God to speak through me and for my words to be from Him in order to make a difference in these ladies' lives!

Thank you for all of your encouragement and love you continue to shower me with!  Praise God and Him alone for the difference I am able to make in people's lives; I am simply His instrument.  :-)

Much love,
Alicia